Yesterday I turned 20 years old. Most people, including myself, usually don't feel much different on the day they are officially one year older. Sure, on my 16th birthday I hesitantly got behind the wheel of a car for the first time (and scared the crap out of my brother), on my 18th birthday I went and bought a scratch ticket, but other than that I felt like the same person I have always been... a teenager loving life who still acts like a kid.
But yesterday I felt something. I'm 20. From a CF perspective, 20 is a big deal. In the back of my mind, my life has always been measured by the median life expectancy for CF: 35 years old (that means 50% of people with CF die before 35, and 50% of people die after). That number is haunting sometimes, its hard not to think of it as 15 years away. Its hard not to think where I will be in 15 years. Its hard to think that my life COULD be more than halfway over, a feeling that doesn't hit most people until they are in their 40s. 15 years ago I was 5 years old, only diagnosed for about 2 years, adjusting to a life of a chronic illness. 15 years ago seems like just yesterday.
Although those things are in the back of my mind, those are the thoughts you have to sweep aside with each birthday. Those are the thoughts you have to throw away when it seems you're getting further and further from the day you were born and closer to the day you will die, because each day in between is filled with life and that's what matters.
The CF foundation lists the mid-30s median age of survival statistic but it also says:
In the 1950s, few children with cystic fibrosis lived to attend elementary school. Today, advances in research and medical treatments have further enhanced and extended life for children and adults with CF. Many people with the disease can now expect to live into their 30s, 40s and beyond. (http://www.cff.org/AboutCF/)
That word "BEYOND" is what I live my life by. My closest CF friend died in her 50s. Just because there is a statistic telling you otherwise, doesn't mean its not possible. I'm 20 years old, I consider myself healthy and I know that I will do everything in my power to reach 30, 40, 50... maybe even 60 years old. I look up to older people in the same way someone learning the guitar looks up to a skilled guitarist. I strive to be like them, to live my life for THAT long. Because my life is not defined by a statistic.
But CF is a beast that cannot be fully tamed, I honestly don't know how much power I have to reach those decade milestones. I am reasonable about the feasibility of that goal, so for now, I live in the present. I try not to look ahead to the next 10 years too much, because CF is unpredictable and you never know what the future will hold. Its the acceptance of living in the present that makes my life so enjoyable. If I appreciate every minute I have today, then it doesn't matter how long my life is. I make the time I have now worth every minute, day, and year. The future may be bright, but the present is right here, shining in my face. That doesn't mean I'm not hopeful for the future, because I know that each day of the future will eventually be a day of the present, and I have faith that those days will be just as bright as they are today.
This birthday was a celebration of getting there. Each year is a another success in beating CF, of loving every day of my life, and of surviving. Here's to the next one, and the one after that, and the one after that :)
