The other day, I had to make a tough decision. It was something that was in the back of my mind for a while, something I had decided to ignore. It has always been my dream to go abroad, to do what CF should be stopping me from doing. That dream became even more of a reality when I got my new portable vest. As I saw my friends planning for going abroad, I just wanted to be able to have that experience, to ignore the possibility of getting sick, to ignore the possibility of being alone to care for myself in a foreign country.
The other day, after class registration, I realized that it may be hard for me to fit my classes in while abroad. Though this is a problem for many, I figured I could make everything work out... and to be honest, I probably can. But once I finally saw this become an issue, I finally began to think about those thoughts in the back of my mind. Would going to a foreign country to live a a new life for 5 months be the best decision given my condition? What happens if I got sick? Could I really take that risk at a time that I am feeling so well? How would I deal with being in a foreign hospital (given it happens) alone when my family are the only ones I feel I need when I'm sick? How can I put my parents through that much worry?
That night, after class registration, I called my mom, the voice of reason, and told her only that I didn't get the classes I needed to take. I didn't tell her the reconsiderations I was having about it though. She said “Well lau, everything happens for a reason” and then remarked further into the conversation “When you called me worried this weekend, I couldn't help but think.... what am I going to do when I get this call when you're in another country?” (she was referring to the fact that I had called her this weekend because I was experiencing extreme dizzyness probably from being undernourished and having low blood sugar). Those words stuck in my head, and I finally came to terms with it. No, it wouldn't be the best decision.
I talked to my boyfriend about it and cried as I told him that I just wanted to do something despite CF. But really, if anything else, I've learned how to balance and sacrifice with this petty disease. And it is such a hard balance. Looking at schools, I knew I couldn't be too far away. This was also a hard decision as I saw the majority of my friends attending college out of state, even plane-rides away, getting greater experience of living on your own, being independent, and stepping outside your comfort zone. But I have been able to appreciate and make the best of where I am. I love my college, no matter how close to my house it might be. I have met some of the best people and have had the most intellectual experience with my classes here. In the same way, I have to see this decision as positive and appreciate what I've got. This doesn't have to mean that I'm missing out on an opportunity to see the world, I have my whole life to do that. Hopefully I'll be able to travel later in my life, at a time where CF is even more treatable, and with a more reasonable time-frame for my difficult lifestyle. My boyfriend pointed out that I've done so many things already in my life. I have made lasting relationships, been successful in my schooling, gotten in the best shape of my life, and lived on my own at college. I know I need to appreciate the things that I CAN do despite CF.... and see those “missed opportunities” as a part of the CF package.
Then I started crying just thinking about how amazing my mom is. I know for a fact that she wasn't crazy about me going abroad. I could tell she was worried, but she never said a thing. She supported me with every plan I had. Only when I called to confess the next day that I knew it wasn't the right thing to do right now, did she agree. Moms are always right in the end. She was honest and said that I have so many other variables than most people to take into consideration. I am used to adjusting my life for the CF Variable. I am so lucky that I have a mom who supports me in everything I do, but who always knows what is best for her child.
Though I do feel a little bummed out... for the most part I feel relieved. Yeah, I took the safe route, but I'm used to that. I'm used to sacrificing little pieces of my life for staying healthy or for dealing with CF. But I can honestly say that I am content with my decision. I have my whole life ahead of me to do great things and have great experiences. For now, I will make each moment an experience and live for today.
