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Tonight, In Celebration of Good Health, my friends and I will
be having a VEST PARTY! woo hooo! |
The last time I needed a PICC line and a few weeks of potent antibiotics was November 12, 2009. It's hard to believe that that was three years ago. At the time, it felt like another routine thing that had to be done to maintain my health. At the time, I didn't realize the amount of time that would past until I would have to do that again. At the time, I was convinced that my health wasn't going to improve much from that point on. I constantly fretted about the future, about my health, about the path that my life was taking. That was my freshman year of college.... I figured college would pass by with my having to constantly take time outs for my health. I was dead wrong.
I'm now in my senior year of college, and I can say with a smile on my face that for three years, my lungs have been healthy enough that I haven't had to resort to weeks with a PICC line. [For those of you who don't know, a PICC line is a type of intravenous line (IV), that runs from your arm, all the way up to your heart. You hook it up to a machine that pumps in antibiotics to help better fight infection because it allows the antibiotics to be absorbed directly into your blood stream. I had to be hooked up for about 30 minutes to an hour for 6-8 times a day for 2-3 weeks. For those of you who also don't know, this has been something I have had to do since the 1st grade. For a while, it was every few years, soon it was twice a year.... and now its been 3 years and I've yet to require that type of treatment again].
Now, I don't want this blog to be disturbing or discouraging for those people who have felt the full effects of CF, I don't want it to undermine the fact that CF is still killing people all the time... because these are facts that are always on my mind. And sometimes, that is what makes it so difficult to be living such a healthy life when before this my life was nothing like it is today. I want to inspire parents with young ones.. I want to show you that its possible for your child to be invincible. And for those with CF who feel like they are fighting a losing battle with this disease, I don't want you to feel as if my health makes me any better than you. It's a tough line to walk.... on one hand, in my own experience, I have seen that compliance and exercise WORKS... yet I cannot speak for everyone and I fully recognize that fact. This is just one person's experience.
I've written blogs celebrating first One Year then Two Years, and now, here is my blog celebrating Three Years of Good Health. For fear of becoming too repetitive, I won't go into what I've been doing that has been keeping me so healthy. [You can read my One Year then Two Years blog posts if you are interested].
As everyone knows, I'm a very positive person. And sometimes, that positivity can be detrimental. Sometimes, being too positive can end up in letting yourself down. This is an argument I've heard over and over. And I've witnessed it. With my idealistic view, I'll often underestimate how long it will take me to do something... what I thought would be a 20 minute project suddenly turns into 3 or 4 hours and I'm left feeling overwhelmed. I've had moments where I told myself that everything was going to be okay, and it wasn't. However, for the most part, this positivity has been a wonderful thing. I've always internally held this belief that, as awful as CF is, it isn't going to be that awful for me. Now, this was a huge wake-up call when I started to get sick in my teens. It was difficult to grapple with the fact that this belief was far too idealistic and that I am no luckier than any one else. CF sucks, it doesn't waver..... but neither do I.
Sometime between the last time I needed a PICC line and now, I started to realize that it's okay to still think I am invincible... but you can't be invincible without determination. I became determined to exercise beyond what I thought I was capable of, I became determined to NEVER miss a vest/neb treatment, I became determined to let go of stressors in my life by remaining positive and easy going... and soon I saw that okay... maybe its sort of possible to be invincible. I've still gotten sick, I have still needed oral antibiotics, and if anything, my treatment regimen has only increased with the addition of Cayston and exercise. And yet, I am healthy and alive and CF is nothing compared to what it used to mean for me. For me, if I want to be idealistic... I better be realistic in understanding that nothing can be accomplished without a lofty effort.
Last year at this time, I was optimistic... but I didn't expect that I'd actually go another full year of maintaining good health. And now that it's been 3 years, I am confident that long-term health is possible for me. Even if I needed a PICC tomorrow, going 3 years between that long, difficult treatment is more than enough. If my life can continue on this trajectory, I'm confident that I will lead a pretty normal life. And to top it all off, I've achieved good health all while waiting for medication from Vertex that might make my life even easier. If anything, the possibility of a treatment that treats the root cause, has encouraged me to keep pushing. If I have to wait, I sure as hell better try to be as healthy as I can, otherwise waiting will be that much more unbearable.
With 3 years passing since my last major bout of sickness... it has been easy to forget how difficult my life has been in the past. But what hasn't changed is the way in which my past struggles have shaped me. I still appreciate every moment... because deep down I still remember what it's like to be struggling. I am thankful for every deep breath, every worry free day, and every experience that I may have not otherwise had if I were sicker. I think a deep appreciation for life will never leave me, no matter how healthy I may remain. Once you learn what it's like to live a life that is full of worry, uncertainty, immense hardship.... you will never take for granted how truly easy your life is.
What I have begun to realize more and more these past 3 years is that life is miraculous. What I thought was just a dream has become a reality. I'm healthy. And because I'm healthy, I'm happy and incredibly blessed. You can imagine how difficult it is for me to sit back and listen to others complaining about their lives. Compared to what I've been through in the past.... these past 3 years have been so easy that I feel guilty if I ever complain about it. I won't pretend that I don't moan and groan once and a while... but those feelings never last. I always internalize how grateful I am to just be alive and well. These have been years full of many thanks and many moments where I cannot even fathom how lucky I've been.
